Grief is Paralyzing

Today is my husband's birthday. We went to dinner at our favorite pizza shop. We even had it at our wedding. But tonight...it was different.

The last time we were there was when we announced to our family that our sweet baby would be a girl. The last time I was there I was so excited to know the gender of our baby that I had no fear that when the ultrasound showed she was measuring small that it meant anything. I never imagined it would be the first indicator that I wpuld be sitting here 20 weeks, 1 day after giving birth to Kennedy - childless, with Kennedy in heaven instead of in my arms. The last time I was there I was so full of life - and this time, so dead inside, so empty.

And on top of all of it, it was one year ago that Kennedy was conceived.

So here I am. I'm so paralyzed by grief. I feel like I don't even recognize myself anymore,  like I'm a zombie - going through the motions and waiting, praying for something to pull me out of this.

Some days haven't been as hard... but today, today is rough and my year of firsts without my baby is just beginning so I guess I'm in for a long year.

October 15th - Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Day

Wave of light - if everyone lights a candle at 7pm & and keeps it burning for one hour, there will be a continuous wave of light over the entire world.

I have my candle lit in honor of my sweet baby Kennedy Hope as well as all of our babies lost too soon.

My department at work also held a balloon release in honor of Kennedy and all the babies in heaven. I'll post pictures later. 

To my precious Kennedy,  Mommy and Daddy love and miss you more than anyone could ever know. Missing you today & every day.

Freight Train

It's beautiful days like today that make me realize the daze I'm still in.

The grass isn't as green as it once was. The sun doesn't warm my skin the same way it did before. Nothing's as funny as it used to be. My smile doesn't reach my ears anymore.

Everything is dulled. Everything except for the grief.

My grief isn't as raw now but it can still  hit me out of nowhere. Hard. Like a head-on collision with a freight train. It still knocks the wind out of me, knocks me down.

It's different now that its not so new...but it's still paralyzing some days.

12 Weeks Ago

Kennedy's death certificate came in the mail today (Friday) - on her 3 month birthday. I cried for her the hardest I have in the past month. There's something about seeing it on paper that was heart wrenching.

Exactly 12 weeks ago I was getting to my hospital room after saying goodnight to Kennedy (still numb from my c-section just a few hours before) in the NICU on her first night of life.

Mommy and Daddy still miss you every second of every day, Kennedy ♥

Life Ain't Always Beautiful

Life Ain't Always Beautiful
Gary Allan

Life ain't always beautiful
Sometimes it's just plain hard
Life can knock you down, it can break your heart
Life ain't always beautiful
You think you're on your way
And it's just a dead end road at the end of the day

But the struggles make you stronger
And the changes make you wise
And happiness has its own way of takin it's sweet time

No, life ain't always beautiful
Tears will fall sometimes
Life ain't always beautiful
But it's a beautiful ride

Life ain't always beautiful
Some days I miss your smile
I get tired of walkin all these lonely miles
And I wish for just one minute
I could see your pretty face
Guess I can dream, but life don't work that way

But the struggles make you stronger
And the changes make you wise
And happiness has its own way of takin it's sweet time

No, life ain't always beautiful
But I know I'll be fine
Hey, life ain't always beautiful
But it's a beautiful ride

What a beautiful ride

"Real" Life

Tomorrow will be 5 weeks since we said goodbye. 5 weeks since I last held Kennedy in my arms or heard her cry. 5 weeks since she opened her sweet eyes or smiled. It feels like forever.

And Monday I go back to work. To say I'm anxious would be an understatement. I no longer can pretend that life has just stopped. It's so much easier to hide out (not that any of it has been easy) and I won't have that luxury anymore. I won't be able to not get out of bed because it's too hard or burst into tears out of nowhere. No - I'll have to smile and put on a show. I'll have to hide the mess that I am.

I have to go back to "real" life and it scares the shit out of me. Mostly because it doesn't feel like real life anymore. It feels like a bad dream that I can never wake up from where everything I do (even if its absolutely nothing) is a complete struggle. It feels completely unnatural. And I'm sure that one day the struggle won't be as hard, but it will always be there. This is my life now and no matter how "easy" it gets, it will never change. Something will always be missing - a piece of me will always be missing here.

Wish me luck as I go back to "real" life.

Rough Week

Last week was rough.

My postpartum check up was last Monday. I didn't even make it out of the waiting room without crying. Sitting there watching all the big, cute pregnant women come in with their healthy pregnancies. All the new moms with their cute newborns getting their postpartum check ups too. And me. Alone.

I cried giving a urine sample (I know - TMI). I cried on the scale - though I would've cried there anyway! My nurse cried. My OBGYN cried.

It was just one more reminder of my empty arms.

To make the week even harder, I had the first stranger ask about Kennedy. Well, he asked when my baby was due (now you know why I would've cried on the scale no matter what). And instead of going imto detail or telling him I didn't have a daughter, I just smiled while I held back my tears to tell him, "Actually, I just gave birth". I told him all about my baby girl. Except that she was gone. It was hard enough to deal with the sting of be so caught of guard.

It's now been 4 weeks and 1 day since I last held Kennedy and it feels like the days since then have past so slowly.

Mommy misses you little angel ♥