Grief is Paralyzing

Today is my husband's birthday. We went to dinner at our favorite pizza shop. We even had it at our wedding. But tonight...it was different.

The last time we were there was when we announced to our family that our sweet baby would be a girl. The last time I was there I was so excited to know the gender of our baby that I had no fear that when the ultrasound showed she was measuring small that it meant anything. I never imagined it would be the first indicator that I wpuld be sitting here 20 weeks, 1 day after giving birth to Kennedy - childless, with Kennedy in heaven instead of in my arms. The last time I was there I was so full of life - and this time, so dead inside, so empty.

And on top of all of it, it was one year ago that Kennedy was conceived.

So here I am. I'm so paralyzed by grief. I feel like I don't even recognize myself anymore,  like I'm a zombie - going through the motions and waiting, praying for something to pull me out of this.

Some days haven't been as hard... but today, today is rough and my year of firsts without my baby is just beginning so I guess I'm in for a long year.