Kennedy would be 2 months old today so my husband and I went to her grave to visit as I plan to do every month for this first year. We celebrated her first month "birthday" in the hospital so I want to keep it going.
It was hard. The ground is still fresh. It's been exactly 2 weeks since we burried her. And I realized I buried more than just our sweet baby and some of her belongings that day - some things I hope one day I'll get back and some things I know I never will.
Like my innocence. It's gone and buried forever. I'll never be able to be blissfully unaware of all that can go wrong during pregnancy or birth. I'll never again be oblivious to how lucky it is to have a healthy pregnancy, to have a healthy baby.
My hope. I held onto it until her last day. Maybe one day I'll be able to get my hope back, to be able to carry it with me wherever I go.
And most importantly, my meaning, my purpose, are buried deep under ground with Kennedy. Without her here, my purpose in life is gone. My meaning in life is gone. These are the things I desperately hope to have back one day. I hope one day these fill my heart again. But for now, they're gone.
I buried more than my baby that day and I'm not sure how much of it is gone forever.
Hi Kari,
ReplyDeleteI found you blog on babycenter.com. My husband and I also carried our first child to term. He was born in April 2013. I can empathize so much with what you're going through. Kennedy is such a precious gift and you have been amazing parents to her. If you ever want to talk, feel free to contact me (sammys_mamma@yahoo.com). Take care,
Allison
Thank you! I hope you and your husband are doing as well as you can. Xo
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