Tomorrow will be 5 weeks since we said goodbye. 5 weeks since I last held Kennedy in my arms or heard her cry. 5 weeks since she opened her sweet eyes or smiled. It feels like forever.
And Monday I go back to work. To say I'm anxious would be an understatement. I no longer can pretend that life has just stopped. It's so much easier to hide out (not that any of it has been easy) and I won't have that luxury anymore. I won't be able to not get out of bed because it's too hard or burst into tears out of nowhere. No - I'll have to smile and put on a show. I'll have to hide the mess that I am.
I have to go back to "real" life and it scares the shit out of me. Mostly because it doesn't feel like real life anymore. It feels like a bad dream that I can never wake up from where everything I do (even if its absolutely nothing) is a complete struggle. It feels completely unnatural. And I'm sure that one day the struggle won't be as hard, but it will always be there. This is my life now and no matter how "easy" it gets, it will never change. Something will always be missing - a piece of me will always be missing here.
Wish me luck as I go back to "real" life.
Hi Kari,
ReplyDeleteI hope your first day back goes well. I know I was nervous to go back to work, but it wasn't as hard as I expected... Hugs mama!
Jenny (from BBC)
Thank you, Jenny! I made it through, but it was hard.
DeleteHi Kari,
ReplyDeleteHope your first week back at work went as well as it could. I hope people were kind & understanding if you had a moment missing your daughter. Love that picture of her smiling. Beautiful, beautiful baby so loved my her mamma & daddy!
Allison (sammys_mamma on BBC)
Thank you, Allison! I'm very fortunate to work with very understanding group, but there were definitely times every day that I had those moments and hid out.
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