Roller Coaster

After losing Kennedy, I've had a roller coaster of emotions - actually I've had them since we heard she had a lethal condition - and they can change from hour to hour. It's usually the same emotions -

1) Sadness - Some days, unfortunately, this feeling is the most overwhelming. The hopelessness you feel at learning your child has a condition that you can't fix or help is devastating to any mother - to know no matter how hard you try, sometimes you just cannot do anything to help. The longing to have her in my arms is so painful at times it makes me feel as if I am drowning. The worst part of the sadness is knowing that it will never go away. The ache I feel for Kennedy will be with me until I myself am gone.

2) Numbess - When everything is too much, when I am too physically and emotionally exhausted, I just become numb. Maybe it's my body's way of protecting me from drowning too deep in that hole of despair. Some days the feeling of being numb is the only way I can function in a world without Kennedy (the world is so much darker without such a beautiful, bright light like her). Sometimes I welcome the numbess and sometimes I fight my hardest to feel something - anything.

3) Hope - Before her birth, I had hope that the doctors were wrong. I still believe that having that hope to never give up on my daughter helped her survive as long as she did. I always had hope that she was stronger than anyone gave her credit for. After her birth, I hoped for more time with her. I never gave up hope that she would fight for as long as she physically could. Now after her death, I hope to see her again and to spend an eternity together doing things we will never get the chance to in this life. I even have hope that one day when/if the time is right, we will give her siblings and share everything we can with them about their big sister.

4) Peace - I wish this feeling walked with me more than it currently does, but I know that one day that will come. I have always felt at peace with doing everything could for Kennedy by allowing her to grow as I carried her and by trying as hard as I could to understand when she was telling me that her body had had enough. I find peace in doing what I can to remember her now that she is gone, to do what I can in her memory so that not only does it live on in our hearts and those who also loved her, but that it reaches people who will never know her. And most importantly, I find peace in knowing that she is and will forever be with me.

I've never been the biggest fan of roller coasters, but I'm trying to enjoy the ride - no matter how painful some minutes can be.